imANomaly

The Fourty- Second

A lot of times I let my introversion be an excuse for letting people walk all over me. 

I don’t like sharing my opinions most of the time because I don’t want people to get mad at me.

I never try and explain myself if I’m wrongly accused of something because in some weird way, I think I deserve it.

I agree to do things I really don’t want to because I feel a sense of duty, and that if I don’t do it, I am a bad person.

I have a lot of these tendencies, and I like to justify them by saying I’m an introvert. I just like to keep things to myself. I keep my feelings inside, but it’s alright because I have it all under control.

In essence, I lie to myself.

Tonight, some important people in my life sort of brought that up to me. They said that people don’t judge/ expect as much from me as I might think they do, and that it is alright for me to tell people when I feel hurt or targeted or wrongly accused. 

And that’s just a really difficult concept for me to grasp. I’m not even sure if I can make myself believe it. 

Because it’s so incredibly hard for me accept that people don’t judge me as harshly as I judge myself. I take everything personally. Any small whatever someone says… I always notice. And I convince myself that if they notice that I’m not perfect, well, then it’s just my fault for not being so.

And I begin to think that maybe that affects my relationship with God. And I begin to see that the “maybe” is actually a “definitely.”

And I want to change that and I want to grow and I want to be a stronger person and I don’t want to take things so personally and I want to be the kind of person who amounts to something but I feel like I won’t let myself do that. 

So I just smile and keep quite and keep on going like everything’s fine. Because what they can’t see can’t hurt them.

(A little dramatic, I know. I’m a teenage girl- what do you expect?)

On a brighter note, school will be over in less than a month! Joy!

The Forty-First

“Jesus and John”- Lisa Gungor

John he was raised with a steeple over his head
Lived in the suburbs and memorized scripture at night before bed
And he won a prize
Preachers and teachers would tell him where all sinners go
Prayed for revival but showed him a fancy carnival show
Was it a lie
Was it a lie

John saw the lies
He saw the steeples
And saw all the people get it wrong

Went off to college and came home with knowledge to spare,
Of crusades and slave trades, and all of the blood that was spilled in God’s name.
And all of the lies.
But John couldn’t buy it, He just couldn’t buy it again, 
Church was too small so he just threw it all up to chaos and chance. 
And all of the lies, 
All of the lies. 

John saw the lies, 
Oh, he saw the steeples, 
And saw all the people get it wrong. 

Jesus sees John, 
Jesus sees steeples. 
He sees all His people get it wrong. 
Trust Jesus, John. 
Trust Jesus, people. 
Jesus will come and save us all.

The Fortieth

(Forty! Ah!)

In all honesty, I should be working on my AP Lit project right now, but let’s face it, I’m a procrastinator and it’s 11:34 pm. This is what I do. And anyways, it’s not even really due until a day from now and I only have to wake up tomorrow at like 7:00 so this isn’t too bad.

I think I mentioned this in my last post, but I’ve been feeling pretty hopeless about the world lately. I mean, I’m not a hardcore environmentalist… but I see the world and I learn about what we have done to it and I just get so disappointed in the human race. We depend on products and resources that blatantly destroy this planet we call home. In America, we gorge ourselves on consumerism and entertainment when in other areas of the world, they are just fighting to get through each day.

And I just wish we had never gotten into this cycle of thinking that we deserve everything we want right here, right now.

I wish I was little again and didn’t have to know about all this stuff.

I wish I didn’t feel so convicted every time I see what is going on.

Ignorance is indeed bliss. I have no doubt about that.

But…

But the truth is we have gotten into this cycle. I’m not going to be little again. I can’t unlearn what I have seen right in front of my face. And I do feel convicted.

Ignorance may be bliss, but ignorance is never the best way to handle our problems.

We talk about taking “steps” outside of our comfort zone, but I think God sometimes must just be waiting, longing for us to take a leap or a sprint every once and a while. 

I mean, he gave us free will. And that is so great. But what have we done with it? 

I think we’ve used it to say “I get to do what I want no matter what. I am in control.” We become our own god- our own center of the universe who gets to decide what is good and bad.

asdfasdkjhfgas;kjfhs;a. Yeah. I’ve been pretty discontented lately. And maybe it’s holy discontent. I’m not sure…. but I’m not really sure what to do with it, to be entirely honest.

~~~

Also, another thought. We sing these songs in church about God’s creation. About how the earth is his, and how we are so amazed by nature and etc., yet we leave the sanctuary and within 20 minutes, start trashing it. Not literally (well, actually, sort of) but maybe in just subconscious ways…. mehh.

~~~

The Thirty-Ninth

“American Dream” by Switchfoot

When success is equated with excess
The ambition for excess wrecks us
As top of the mind becomes the bottom line 
When success is equated with excess

If your time ain’t been nothing for money 
I start to feel really bad for you, honey 
Maybe honey, put your money where your mouth’s been running 
If your time ain’t been nothing but money

I want out of this machine
It doesn’t feel like freedom

This ain’t my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things 
I’m tired of fighting for just me 
This ain’t my American dream

When success is equated with excess
When we’re fighting for the Beamer, the Lexus 
As the heart and soul breath in the company goals 
Where success is equated with excess

‘Cause baby’s always talkin’ ‘bout a ring 
And talk has always been the cheapest thing 
Is it true would you do what I want you to 
If I show up with the right amount of bling?

Like a puppet on a monetary string
Maybe we’ve been caught singing
Red, white, blue, and green
But that ain’t my America,
That ain’t my American dream 

Older song, but great lyrics.

I read a statistic today that said 330,000 people in America die of obesity a year, while 30,000 children around the world die everyday from starvation. Isn’t that just screwed up?! 

Things like that shouldn’t be happening. I don’t want to be like that.

I don’t want to fall into the current American mindset that everything is all for me. That just because I could have tons means I should and will have tons.

And I often think it’s more of a curse than a blessing to live here.

NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG. I am so thankful to be in a country where I have so many freedoms- speech, religion, press, assembly. A place where I can be myself- express myself- and the only repercussions would be social. Being persecuted for my faith means someone says I’m ignorant and stupid, where in other places in the world, it could so easily mean my death.

What I don’t like is that by living here, I am automatically thrust into the world of “ME” and “MYSELF.”

And I know that compared to a lot… or I guess most of the problems in the world, my life is easy. “First world problems” are my biggest concerns… but I hate that I am that way. I hate that I fall into the mold so easily, and most of the time don’t even notice it.

I want to go into film for college. Cinematic Arts. I hope that when I’m there, and when I get out into the real world, I can make a difference. I can use the skills I learn to impact the world for the better. And I’m not even sure what that will look like yet, but I want to find out. 

I don’t want to live for me. Or for comfort. Or for excess.

I want to be different.

The Thirty-Eighth (or My Thoughts on KONY 2012)

It is easy to be skeptical.

And really, I don’t think having doubts and reservations is entirely bad.

It is good to be cautious and educated and aware of the potential risks and different aspects of a situation, especially when in the past, nothing has seemed to work.

I’ve been trying to approach this KONY 2012 awareness thing with a logical mind (note, I’m not even sure if I have one of those, but I’m trying to give it a try)- not just getting hyped up because of one 30-minute video I watched. Not to say that the video is bad. It is really, really good, actually. It brings awareness to someone who has done really terrible things, and I think he needs to be stopped.

What I have seen is that some people think that it is all a hoax, or pointless, or not our job to interfere, or etc. etc. etc. 

What is their plan after/ if they get Kony? What about his followers? Who’s to say they won’t keep this up? 

What are their plans for the refugees afterwards?

Kony isn’t even in Uganda anymore. It’s not that big of a problem.

We have our own problems here in this country, why should we even get mixed up in this?

Kony is already famous with people that actually matter.

Getting rid of Kony won’t solve all of the problems in Uganda/ Congo/ Sudan.

Nothing they’ve tried has worked before… what says this time will be any different?

And really, the list goes on and on and on.

And I get those hesitations. I really do. Before I even watched the video, I was even wondering a bit.

But what I guess I have to say in the end is that we shouldn’t let skepticism get in the way of something that could really make a difference. I was talking with Kelli today and she brought up the point that we don’t really have anything to lose by getting his name out, and I think that is totally true.

And I know that when we see something “wrong,” or something we don’t entirely understand, we tend to jump all over it. We just love to be right and show people how smart we are. But I think it is wise to remember that Invisible Children isn’t some new dinky group that went to Africa for two days and now feels they know every last detail about everything concerning the problems caused by the LRA.

It’s been almost 10 years since Jason, Laren, and Bobby first went to Uganda and saw what the LRA was doing there. Jason and Laren have both worked (at least to my knowledge) full time towards the cause since that first trip and have contacts in the effected regions. I wouldn’t call this the “nice-white-people-come in-and-try-to-solve-all-of-Africa’s-problems” situation (or problem… however you’d like to define it). It’s a group effort, with people from all over the world.

I bet they know a bit more than we do about the situation.

I bet they are well aware of the fact that one 30 minute video won’t give us an entire in-depth study of Ugandan life and history in the last 30 years.

I’d bet they have even thought about some of those same questions you may have about the whole plan. (Wait… you mean they might actually know what they are doing?! No way!)

So yeah. I might have some doubts. I might not understand every aspect of the situation. But I don’t think that should be what stops me, or I should say us, from making a difference.

I agree a lot with what John and Hank Green have to say as well: well: http://fishingboatproceeds.tumblr.com/post/18888907871/kony-2012

Also, I don’t know everything. These are just some of my current thoughts.

The Thirty-Seventh.

It’s a blessing to have teachers who know what you are capable of and will hold you to a high standard.

It sucks when you disappoint them.

And subsequently yourself.

The Thirty-Sixth

Hey, there.

Want to know something awkward? There’s this girl in one of my classes who thinks I’m hilarious. Which is quite nice. I really do think that is a wonderful complement to a person, to tell them that they are funny or have a good sense humor.

What is awkward is that every time she recalls me being so “hilarious”… she has heard me wrong. Like, I say something entirely different than what she hears, and she thinks I’m just the funiest, and says so, and before I can correct her, she is off telling people around us how funny I am. Which is super flattering… but I don’t think it’s very true! 

And even more inconvenient, every time she heard me wrong, what she what she thinks she hears me say is more snarky that what I actually said!

Take for example, the time our teacher accidentally marked a student absent, and had to send her to the attendance office. Under my breath I muttered “Joke!” because.. well, that’s just one of my habits. Whenever something doesn’t go quite as planned, I just say ”joke” out of habit… it tends to loosen the mood when something awkward happens, so I just do it… because… well, yeah, it’s just one of my “things.”

So it gets awkward because she thought I said “Jerk!” to our teacher. Apparently, that was just a really funny thing to “say,” because she found it pretty amusing and started laughing and relaying what I “said” to everyone else! HA. HA. No.

I don’t even really get why that would be funny, but it has happened on more that one occasion, and yeah. 

My life is so difficult.

The Thirty-Fifth

I recently discovered Iceland.

I mean, I obviously always knew about it; I could say that is was an island country up north… it’s close to Greenland… it is ironically more “green” than “ice.” But I didn’t really know much about it.

For some reason, however, in the last few days I just got REALLY interested in it, and basically I am in love with it now. 

Thus, with immense help from wikipedia and google, I compiled a list of reasons for why Iceland is rather interesting:

• The Iceland Worm Monster. YES, INDEED. Iceland has it’s own version of Nessie, and I think that is absolutely great. The following is a picture of said monster; I will let you make your own conclusions about the validity of it: 
• The way it was named. I’m not sure how accurate my telling of this will be, because I’m pulling it out of what I heard in grade school, but if I remember correctly, when the Vikings discovered Iceland, they were amazed by its beauty and wanted it for themselves. They conveniently named the beautiful land “Iceland” in order to make other travelers think it was this gross frozen place. In turn, when they found what we now call Greenland, a land of ice and frozen temperatures, they named it so that people would go there instead, thinking that that land was green and luxurious. Vikings: 1, All Others: 0.
• Iceland is very close to the Faroe Islands; Icelandic is very close to Faroese. My grandpa is from the Faroe Islands, and his brother currently lives in Iceland. I just think that’s neat. 
• Iceland has no standing army. Go Iceland.
• Iceland is an island rich with volcanoes and geysers, making it, for lack of better phrasing, absolutely beautiful. 
• Iceland runs almost entirely on renewable energy, thanks to geothermal power and hydroelectricity. As a result, most residents have relatively inexpensive heat and electric. They hope to be energy-independent by 2050.
• Public Schools teach Christianity. I admire and respect that. Here in America, Christianity has become taboo to public schooling: even mention it and you might lose your job. Once again, go Iceland.
• Polar Bears visit, but don’t live there. Sometimes they get there by traveling on icebergs from Greenland. HEY.
• The Icelandic Horse:        
• In 1980, Icelanders elected their first female president. Go Iceland.
• Instead of using last names, Icelanders use patron/matronymics. Basically, you would be called [insert name here], son/daughter of [parent’s name here]. Kate, William’s daughter. Steve, Mary’s son. 
• Apparently, according to Wikipedia, many Icelanders rock at chess. Yes.
• Sigur Rós. Enough said.

And now, some pretty pictures: 

(ps. none of these pictures are mine… Oh, how I wish to go there and take some pictures of my own!)

The Thirty-Fourth

“An intelligent person does not need the promise of heaven to see the merit in good deeds.”

Interesting quote. I think it’s definitely true.

I don’t think that heaven should be our reason to do good things.

That sounds so childish. I know that where I come from, most people have been “Christians” ever since they could remember. And most of the time, our little-kid minds convert because we are afraid of going to “capital H-E-double-hockey-sticks.” Yes, that is what we actually called it. But it is so true. When Mrs. Teacher asks if you would rather burn in a pit of fire forever or have eternity with Jesus, of course we are going to pick the latter!

Going back to the quote, I think Christians all too often get in the mindset that if we do x amount of good things, we will get into heaven. That’s not not it works at all. (Remember that whole saved by Grace thing? Yes.)

I think that we should do good things for the sake of it.

Or more accurately, we should do them out of respect and thankfulness to God. You know, if He could give up his son to save us from our own sin, I think we can agree that regardless of heaven, we owe Him everything.

That thankfulness, or just joy from the fact that we are alive in Him- I think that is reason enough to see the merit in good deeds.

Anyways, just my thoughts. :)

Have a nice day and don’t forget to smile!

The Thirty-Third

For the first time in what feels like forever, I was able to defend my opinion and back it up.

It was just a silly thing, but still, I feel good about it.

Happy Valentine’s! :)